ramblings of the mc

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I used to sleep in a completely dark room every night. But for the past 17 months, there has been this little red light on the other side of the bedroom. It shines all night. Once my eyes adjust to the lights being out, I find that the little red light is in fact so bright that it illuminates the entire room all by itself. That little red light is Keller’s baby monitor. It never really goes off anymore. He pretty much sleeps through the night now. It has been an amazing thing watching him grow. I see him learn something every day. His newest trick is that he recognizes what a dog sounds like. If you ask him, “Keller, what does a dog say?” he chimes right in with a little woof that just melts your heart. He is learning all about boundaries. He can throw a ball across the room. He loves shoes. He just learned what a nipple is, too. That’s pretty funny. If I have my shirt off at the house, he runs over and points to my nipple and just laughs. I guess I have funny nipples… I write songs, and I feel like I do a good job with it. But every time I sit down to try to write a song about Keller I find that whatever I try to say is nothing if not small and insignificant compared to how I actually feel about him. I don’t want to cheapen what it actually is with a less than amazing song. Yeah, he’s growing. And I’m growing, too. I think that my capacity for love is much higher than I ever thought that it could be. He has taught me a lot about what it means to care about someone. He has taught me a lot about Jesus and God. If I could only put it into practice… I love him. I can’t seem to hold him close enough, either. I just want to squeeze him up against my face. And you would think that he craves my attention, but the truth is that I crave his attention. Maybe that’s what God feels like with me. I can’t believe he’s growing up. A lot of times it feels like he hasn’t been around for very long; other times it seems like he’s been here forever. And Lindsey is a great mother. She’s much better at being a mother than I am at being a father. I feel like I come up short a lot of times, especially as a spiritual leader for my family, but she’s right there, solid as a rock. I’m very blessed to have her be what she is in my life. Oh, and Keller has started pre-school now. He has been to 3 classes. He goes again tomorrow. The color of the month is “blue.” The first 2 days that I dropped him off he cried. He didn’t cry the third day. I guess he doesn’t need me as much now. That’s good, but it makes me sad. I wonder if he’ll cry tomorrow… Yeah, he’s growing up. That little red light is on right now, but soon we’ll shut it off because he won’t need it. And that will be good. But it’ll be sad. I just can’t imagine what my life is gonna be like without that little red light. I’ll still wanna pick him up and squeeze him close to my face; will he let me? Probably not. But I hope I’m always man enough to let him know that I want to and I hope I raise him to be the kind of man that knows it’s ok to. And I’m sure there’ll be another little red light soon enough. But the thing is that these years are passing faster than I ever could have imagined, and I just want to be the best I can be for him and for my wife during the little red light years…